Memorial Day

The day has come and gone and I'm saddened to know we need an official day to remember and celebrate the lives of love ones lost. Of course John has been on my mind all weekend. We've been contemplating driving up to the SLC cemetery to pay our respects, but we just can't get ourselves up there. Its hard. Everyone has a different view on visiting grave sites. Some people think its completely morbid, some feel its useless because that person is physically there but not spiritually and some feel drawn to it. I haven't decided which category fits us. It is a little strange visiting a granite stone on the ground when all it really is, is a granite stone on the ground. It is weird to think his body is literally 6 feet under and then its interesting to know that we have a place to go to mourn for our friend.

In John's suicide note, it actually read "To my friends, come visit me often." What does that mean? Does he want us to visit his grave site? Does it mean he wants us to go hiking and think of him while we are enjoying mother nature, as he did every day of his life. Or does it mean he wants us to celebrate his life and think of him when something reminds us of him? I don't know exactly what he meant...he could have meant all three. But what does it mean to us? I know Joe thinks about him everyday. I know Joe still has not deleted his phone number from his cell phone. I know Joe hasn't deleted his "gaming profile" he used every time he played our X-box. I know Joe is still having a hard time with the fact that he is gone.

Tears still seem to overwhelm me even now as I think about Joe's loss. And John's family. To think I haven't spoken to any of them since the funeral. I wonder how they are. How is mother is coping. I pray for her ever day.

Its so odd to think that people die every day. Every second of every day someone has died. There are family's out there who have lost. Loved ones, brothers, sisters, friends. Everyone has lost someone or knows of someone who has. The cemeteries are full of someones family, loved ones or friends. Some where someone is grieving just as much as we are. Why can I not seem to shake this depression. Death surrounds everyone. Why do I feel like its only us? Why can't I take someones condolences seriously? Who knows. All I know is that our grieving stage isn't over and we weren't ready to visit John at his resting place. I don't know if we'll ever make it there. But we do think of him...daily.

***We miss you John and we pray you are happy. Things aren't the same without you, but you are constantly on our mind. We love you dearly.***

Memorial day is over. But I will never stop remembering John and his short life. I will not forget the soldiers who lost their lives defending our country. Or all the many lives lost in China...the children, grandfathers, friends. We need to celebrate and remember them everyday. Not just the last Monday in May.

Today, I'm celebrating you.