Friday, March 30, 2012

Doing better!

My last post was severly depressing. I apologize for that. Losing Charlie was a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I'm happy to report that we are all doing MUCH better. First off, Charlire isn't really gone. Body form yes, but his toys are still scattered in our toy bin, his favorite blanket to snuggle with hasn't been washed and still sits next to my bed. His kennel is exactly how he left it, blanket, bed, bag of food and medicine still inside, plus we have received another statement for his surgery fee. I'm sure it won't be completely paid off for a few more months. Plus I received a few cards and 2 bouquets of beautiful flowers and they are still being displayed on my table. I know I should get rid of a few things, or put some of the aforementioned items away, but I'm not ready for that yet. I like the fact that I can walk around my house and see little things that remind me of Charlie.

Its a very popular choice to get a new dog or puppy with that passing of a beloved pet. That's actually where we got our Simon. We had to put Joe's childhood pal, Edison, down in 2008 and about 2 or 3 days later, we drove to Payson, UT to grab Simon from a breeder. We always thought our family was complete with 2 dogs and when we brought Charlie into our family we worried it would be 'too much' to handle. And it was at times. 3 dogs is a lot!! But Charlie settled into our family so well, it only got easier and easier. Now with him gone and us back to the family of 4 I always pictured...I still feel a loss, like we aren't complete. There is a possibility there is another dog out there that needs our help. I know there are PLENTY at our local shelter... But I'm staying strong. I don't want to replace Charlie and its true 3 dogs IS a lot to care for. For the time being, I'm taking the money I couldn't easily spend on a new miniature dachshund and buying a ticket to go see my Aunt & Uncle in Gilbert, Arizona. My birthday is next month and I think heading out of town for a few days and enjoying some visiting time with family I rarely see, is a great idea.

Again thank you to everyone for the kinds works, support, cards & flowers. Joe and I are doing very well and live each day with Charlie in our hearts. Now to just move forward and press on!

Saturday, March 17, 2012


I can't think of another word to describe how I'm feeling, other than heartbroken. I posted a lot on Facebook yesterday, but if you haven't heard, Joe and I had to put our sweet Charlie to sleep. Its sad to see that just 2 posts ago I was bragging about how incredible Charlie's recovery has been and how nice its was to see his bright, fun personality come back. It just makes me sad reading over it, knowing that just a few weeks later we flipped a 180.

Charlie started showing signs of back problems again this past Wednesday evening. (3/14/12) We limited his activity all day Thursday, even gave him a pain pill to give him a little comfort. But unfortunately Thursday evening he was barely walking on his own. First thing Friday morning we noticed he was no longer able to move the lower half of his body. No walking, no potty breaks...nothing. I even tried a pinch test on this legs & tail and it didn't even phase him. We were warned before his surgery in January that if his back problems got worse, paralysis can happen over night. I'm guessing whatever was going on with him on Wednesday, was our early sign of paralysis. But we hesitated on taking him in, hoping it was just a sour muscle or over exertion.

After an emergency run to the animal hospital yesterday afternoon, we found out through x-ray that the bottom half of his spine was collapsing. (Not the section originally operated on.) Talking with the doctors, Joe found out its was possible Charlie was born with this condition. That his back never gained full strength or his disks were either very unstable or thin. Whatever the reasons were, surgery was needed yet again. Not only were we worried of the cost, but the doctor said Charlie was very weak and he might pull through surgery or ever fully recover. Which that, just broke my heart even more!! My poor Charlie. Only 5 years old and look at what he's had to go through.

We made the tough decision to put him down after weighing all the odds. Unfortunately I was unable to leave work and Joe had to do all this on his own. (Luckily I was able to give him goodbye loves, just in case this was the outcome) Joe held him, snuggling him and gave him kissed until his last breath. The hospital was so accommodating and Joe was even able to stick around 10 or so minutes after just to recoup.

I'm past the crying point. Again with me working yesterday, I really didn't have the time to 'feel' or cry. I guess I should be grateful for that. I did break down as soon as I got home and again when we headed to bed. Charlie was a huge nuzzler and he loved sleeping up near my head so he could be near me. I don't have tears for it anymore. I mean, life moves on. I have 2 other dogs that need my attention, a job I still have to go to and a life we still have to live. But I'm not going to lie, I'm severely depressed about it. I keep wondering if I loved him enough, or if he knew how much we loved him. Was there anything I could have done differently? Should we have kept him in a bubble until he was fully healed from surgery? Should I have left him in his kennel all day instead of out in the dog run with our other dogs?

I know I'll get over the sadness and depression. Time heals all wounds. Plus its a dog. My life can easily go on without being hugely effected. But right now I'm just grieving. Grieve hardcore.  My heart just constantly aches and my stomach turns every time I think about what Joe had to do at the hospital. Plus I really want to break down and cry when I see his chew toy, his blanket, the holes he dug out in our backyard...even the empty spot where he slept.

Again, I know I'll be feeling better soon. But I at least wanted to document this and always remember the wonderful things about Charlie, in the short 6 months he was in our lives. Out of all my dogs, he was the most calm, even tempered and loving. My favorite things. I'm gonna miss that cute cuddle bug. He was a perfect lap dog. Lazy, cuddly, lap dog.

Thanks for reading. Ugh. I'm anxious for the saddness to pass.