Tuesday, April 22, 2008

25 down...so many more to go!

I am officially 26. My birthday was this past Sunday (4/20) and I celebrated all day with friends and family. First I had breakfast with Chandra and Caper while they were in town. (Thank you again Chandra. It was so great to see you and catch up!) I met up with some of our friends for an afternoon movie. Some of our friends bailed, which is okay, the movie selection wasn't the best. Thank you Elizabeth for sticking through the lame martial arts movie. Then my family took me out to dinner at one of my favorite steak houses and then back to the house for cherry pie!!! It was a cloudy, windy and a little rainy all day, but we did have a few peeks of the sun which was nice.

Since my actual birthday was jam packed with family/friend goodness, Joe took Monday off to spend alone with me. I was spoiled all day!!! Most of you know that Joe and I hardly ever get time together, so this was his birthday present for me. Uninterrupted time. Our phones were off...for most of the day!!!

Here are a few pictures from our day together. We took the dogs for a walk - the weather was GORGEOUS!!!

Then Joe and I got ice cream and went to the Aquarium in Sandy. We had never been there before; it was really neat. Its small, but I guess there is "hope" for making a bigger one downtown.

Then of course Joe and I had an RDM day! (Random Disney Movie day!) He actually won this time. I found The Apple Dumpling Gang - 1975 and he beat me with Darby O'Gill and the Little People - 1959. Dang it!! Plus he found a used copy of Dumbo, which is 1941. I didn't stand a chance!
The day was perfect! Plus we bought lots of sushi and watched the Jazz beat the Rockets in game 2. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday celebration. I feel Optimistic Erica making a comeback!!!
Thank you everyone for making my birthday special. All the texts, call, cards and gifts were very much appreciated. I have the best circle of family and friends. I love you all!!!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Optimistic...To be or not to be

I feel like there is a huge, dark cloud hovering over me. So many negatives things, unhappy things, death. I'm dealing with a lot of emotion and I have to say it is so hard to try and stay positive. I'm constantly tired and drained of all energy. Even work doesn't make me happy.

I know 9 people who have died in the last 45 days. 9 people!! Some are elderly people we expect, some by their own hand, and some people who fought like crazy but in the end they lost their battle. Not to mention I'm having a huge family issue right now that is taking most of my energy. Its constantly on my mind and I want to just fix it and make it all better. But I can't! There isn't anything I can do. I've tried. Until that person gets through this whole denial crap, there is nothing I can do. Just thinking about how helpless I am, drains more energy.

John was a major loss. Maybe I didn't allow myself time to grieve. I've been so worried about Joe and his feelings, maybe I didn't stop to think about my own. And now that there is so much more going on in my life, I can't stop to think about anything.

People know me as the optimistic one.
The girl who is high on life.
Laughing, smiling, joking, always being pleasant.
That was me.
Where has that person gone?

I am emotionally drained. My brain can't handle anymore stress, anxiety or helplessness.

I need to pull myself out of this slump and I don't know how. Life is too short to be this depressed. I haven't been clinically depressed for over 8 years. Why am I letting all this negativity and death take over my optimism and lust for life. Why now?

Can people just stop dying? Okay? I can't handle another death or to care for a friend in their time of need. I'm letting myself take on all of their problems and that just boils me over.

Optimistic... To be or not to be.
Man I wish it was just that easy.

Monday, April 7, 2008

"Thank You" family and friends

I just wanted to say a formal "thank you" to all of you who have been so supportive to Joe and I over the past few weeks. Dealing with the loss of a close friend, has been an new experience and we've never been more grateful for our friends and family. We are still grieving. My sadness is more for Joe than anything. He lost his best friend and knowing he is without that companionship is so hurtful. There are going to be a lot of things in our lives where Joe is going to wish John was here. Hopefully I can support and comfort Joe when those occurrences come up.

Joe is still taking things one day at a time. Joe and John had a few activities planned for upcoming months and Joe is now realizing plans have to change. Joe's brother Travis, was helping Joe find a bike that he had planned to ride with John over the summer. Not knowing of Joe's intentions for the bike, Travis brought it to Joe on Sunday and Joe just broke down in tears. Its so hard to see that; Joe never cries. I'm sure he was thinking of all the fun things he had planned during those "bike rides" and now he has no one to ride with. Travis offered to ride with him this coming weekend, but so far the weather report looks bad and Travis lives up in Farmington. A little inconvenient for a spontaneous ride. Now we have this bike on our balcony that only reminds Joe of John...we may have to get rid of it before Joe has the opportunity to take it out.

We have wonderful family and friends who have helped keep our minds busy and positive. We love you all and really appreciate all the condolences and the shoulders we cried on. Its been 3.5 weeks and I know its going to take - oh so much longer - to fully heal. Thank you for your patience.

Love to all