Optimistic...To be or not to be

I feel like there is a huge, dark cloud hovering over me. So many negatives things, unhappy things, death. I'm dealing with a lot of emotion and I have to say it is so hard to try and stay positive. I'm constantly tired and drained of all energy. Even work doesn't make me happy.

I know 9 people who have died in the last 45 days. 9 people!! Some are elderly people we expect, some by their own hand, and some people who fought like crazy but in the end they lost their battle. Not to mention I'm having a huge family issue right now that is taking most of my energy. Its constantly on my mind and I want to just fix it and make it all better. But I can't! There isn't anything I can do. I've tried. Until that person gets through this whole denial crap, there is nothing I can do. Just thinking about how helpless I am, drains more energy.

John was a major loss. Maybe I didn't allow myself time to grieve. I've been so worried about Joe and his feelings, maybe I didn't stop to think about my own. And now that there is so much more going on in my life, I can't stop to think about anything.

People know me as the optimistic one.
The girl who is high on life.
Laughing, smiling, joking, always being pleasant.
That was me.
Where has that person gone?

I am emotionally drained. My brain can't handle anymore stress, anxiety or helplessness.

I need to pull myself out of this slump and I don't know how. Life is too short to be this depressed. I haven't been clinically depressed for over 8 years. Why am I letting all this negativity and death take over my optimism and lust for life. Why now?

Can people just stop dying? Okay? I can't handle another death or to care for a friend in their time of need. I'm letting myself take on all of their problems and that just boils me over.

Optimistic... To be or not to be.
Man I wish it was just that easy.