Oh yeah...

I forgot to mention - I bleached my hair! Its summer time and I've been aching for a change. I might go lighter, but for now, I'm strawberry-blonde and I love it!!! Yeah for changes!! (something else to be excited about!!)

Excitement...or lack thereof.

I haven't blogged in awhile. Not since Andee's wedding day. I guess I feel like nothing in my life can top the excitement of that day. It was a great day and I had a lot of fun. Andee looked beautiful, Kelly was handsome and the day was gorgeous. Beautiful, sunny weather!!! And it was good to see all the familiar faces!! Visiting is what I'm best at!

So lets see, whats going on in my life. Joe finally got his "big screen." For those of you who don't know, Joe and I have been fighting about getting a larger TV, for over a year now. Our fights are pretty funny sometimes, but this one was awful. We just couldn't compromise on anything. Finally, after a night of searching for a new couch, we stumbled across a "killer" deal on a new 50" flat screen. Couldn't pass it up, so we now own a big screen, AND I even bought a new couch/love seat set. We've manipulated our current entertainment center to fit this new TV, so we pretty much have a completely new living room. It's awesome. And for those who have seen it, can agree that it looks much better. Now the fight over electronics is over and we're both happy. Finally a compromise!!!!

I'm also switching salons - its a big deal! I've been unhappy with my current salon and people working in it. No goals, potential to get better or any work ethic whatsoever. So I have put in for a transfer to the new one in Riverton. Still the same chain salon "Smart Style," but now on 134th South and Bangeter Highway. I start there on July 1st. Its a new salon - only been open about 2 months. The manager there is awesome; I've met her and talked with her many times on the phone and couldn't be more pleased. She has so many goals and what seems like A LOT of determination to achieve said goals. Its the exact type of person I want to work for. I'm VERY excited for a change and something different. I've been in Jordan Landing for over 2 years and its time to move on. Plus, this will be a good view of which clients will follow me. So if I were to ever leave the chain all together or start up my own place, I'll know who is the most loyal. It will be a difficult first few months, with the adjusting and trying to let ALL of my clients know, but its going to be worth it. Plus I have the most understanding husband in the world, and he is willing to work overtime to help keep our income stable. Thank you Joe!!

Well, there is some excitement going on in my life...I think. Lots of changes and upgrades! Of course with the new job, our summer "trips" have been cancelled. I just don't know how many days I can afford to take off. Especially since I won't be making a lot of money over the next month-or-so. I know Joe is disappointed about not going to our family cabin-trip to Pine Valley next month. And I've decided not to attend the "Girls Las Vegas" trip in July either. A little sad, but I know we'll make up for it next summer. Sorry family - we won't be with you on the family vacations this year.

However, I know my mom is having a family reunion with her side of the family at the first of August, that we'll be making and I've a wedding (yeah Becca!!) at the end of July to look forward too. Plus Joe and I will be hitting 7 years together (3 married) this fall. We haven't ever done anything "big" for our anniversaries...maybe this year we can plan something really fun.

Who knows what this summer will bring; I'm excited to find out

Today is the day!

Today is the day and the wedding is finally here. I can't believe my baby sister is tying to knot!! Here I sit, with all my hair supplies set up, turned on and organized for any complication that will arise. I can't help but wonder what is going through her mind at this very moment. She is at the nail salon getting her nails filled and toenails painted. I'm sure she is worried about the flowers, cake, guests showing up on time. Will my nephew actually make it down the aisle without screaming or holding up the rest of the line. Or maybe she is thinking about how beautiful she feels in that gorgeous white dress. The dress she will wear when she vows to love, honor and cherish. Is she thinking of her wedding ring. The ring she will wear for the rest of her life, showing her loyalty and committment to everyone she comes across. She might be thinking of Kelly. The man she has chosen to spend the future with...buying a house, having kids and then having grandkids. Is she thinking of the way he looks at her when he realizes he's completely head over heels for her.

I'm sure all of those things are running through her mind. I know they are running through my mind. I'm her older sister, I can't help but worry about her and hope that she makes the right choices in her life. And I believe she is. She is in love and has found her everlasting companion. I couldn't be more happy for her. My baby sister is about to walk down the aisle; to Kelly's favorite song. She's about to say "I do" and vow to love, honor and cherish. She is about to be kissed by her soulmate to complete the moment. She will love and be loved.

I'm overjoyed with happiness today. Today is about Andee and Kelly. Forget the sorrows in my life, the stress at work, the loss of friends. Today is a celebration of love between my sister and my future brother-in-law.

Today is a special day. A toast to Andee and Kelly. Good luck in all you do. Marriage can be tough, but if you are open-minded and willing to cooperate it will be such a wonderful adventure. I love you both and I can't wait to see you walk down the aisle as husband and wife.

Memorial Day

The day has come and gone and I'm saddened to know we need an official day to remember and celebrate the lives of love ones lost. Of course John has been on my mind all weekend. We've been contemplating driving up to the SLC cemetery to pay our respects, but we just can't get ourselves up there. Its hard. Everyone has a different view on visiting grave sites. Some people think its completely morbid, some feel its useless because that person is physically there but not spiritually and some feel drawn to it. I haven't decided which category fits us. It is a little strange visiting a granite stone on the ground when all it really is, is a granite stone on the ground. It is weird to think his body is literally 6 feet under and then its interesting to know that we have a place to go to mourn for our friend.

In John's suicide note, it actually read "To my friends, come visit me often." What does that mean? Does he want us to visit his grave site? Does it mean he wants us to go hiking and think of him while we are enjoying mother nature, as he did every day of his life. Or does it mean he wants us to celebrate his life and think of him when something reminds us of him? I don't know exactly what he meant...he could have meant all three. But what does it mean to us? I know Joe thinks about him everyday. I know Joe still has not deleted his phone number from his cell phone. I know Joe hasn't deleted his "gaming profile" he used every time he played our X-box. I know Joe is still having a hard time with the fact that he is gone.

Tears still seem to overwhelm me even now as I think about Joe's loss. And John's family. To think I haven't spoken to any of them since the funeral. I wonder how they are. How is mother is coping. I pray for her ever day.

Its so odd to think that people die every day. Every second of every day someone has died. There are family's out there who have lost. Loved ones, brothers, sisters, friends. Everyone has lost someone or knows of someone who has. The cemeteries are full of someones family, loved ones or friends. Some where someone is grieving just as much as we are. Why can I not seem to shake this depression. Death surrounds everyone. Why do I feel like its only us? Why can't I take someones condolences seriously? Who knows. All I know is that our grieving stage isn't over and we weren't ready to visit John at his resting place. I don't know if we'll ever make it there. But we do think of him...daily.

***We miss you John and we pray you are happy. Things aren't the same without you, but you are constantly on our mind. We love you dearly.***

Memorial day is over. But I will never stop remembering John and his short life. I will not forget the soldiers who lost their lives defending our country. Or all the many lives lost in China...the children, grandfathers, friends. We need to celebrate and remember them everyday. Not just the last Monday in May.

Today, I'm celebrating you.

25 down...so many more to go!

I am officially 26. My birthday was this past Sunday (4/20) and I celebrated all day with friends and family. First I had breakfast with Chandra and Caper while they were in town. (Thank you again Chandra. It was so great to see you and catch up!) I met up with some of our friends for an afternoon movie. Some of our friends bailed, which is okay, the movie selection wasn't the best. Thank you Elizabeth for sticking through the lame martial arts movie. Then my family took me out to dinner at one of my favorite steak houses and then back to the house for cherry pie!!! It was a cloudy, windy and a little rainy all day, but we did have a few peeks of the sun which was nice.

Since my actual birthday was jam packed with family/friend goodness, Joe took Monday off to spend alone with me. I was spoiled all day!!! Most of you know that Joe and I hardly ever get time together, so this was his birthday present for me. Uninterrupted time. Our phones were off...for most of the day!!!

Here are a few pictures from our day together. We took the dogs for a walk - the weather was GORGEOUS!!!





Then Joe and I got ice cream and went to the Aquarium in Sandy. We had never been there before; it was really neat. Its small, but I guess there is "hope" for making a bigger one downtown.






Then of course Joe and I had an RDM day! (Random Disney Movie day!) He actually won this time. I found The Apple Dumpling Gang - 1975 and he beat me with Darby O'Gill and the Little People - 1959. Dang it!! Plus he found a used copy of Dumbo, which is 1941. I didn't stand a chance!
The day was perfect! Plus we bought lots of sushi and watched the Jazz beat the Rockets in game 2. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday celebration. I feel Optimistic Erica making a comeback!!!
Thank you everyone for making my birthday special. All the texts, call, cards and gifts were very much appreciated. I have the best circle of family and friends. I love you all!!!

Optimistic...To be or not to be

I feel like there is a huge, dark cloud hovering over me. So many negatives things, unhappy things, death. I'm dealing with a lot of emotion and I have to say it is so hard to try and stay positive. I'm constantly tired and drained of all energy. Even work doesn't make me happy.

I know 9 people who have died in the last 45 days. 9 people!! Some are elderly people we expect, some by their own hand, and some people who fought like crazy but in the end they lost their battle. Not to mention I'm having a huge family issue right now that is taking most of my energy. Its constantly on my mind and I want to just fix it and make it all better. But I can't! There isn't anything I can do. I've tried. Until that person gets through this whole denial crap, there is nothing I can do. Just thinking about how helpless I am, drains more energy.

John was a major loss. Maybe I didn't allow myself time to grieve. I've been so worried about Joe and his feelings, maybe I didn't stop to think about my own. And now that there is so much more going on in my life, I can't stop to think about anything.

People know me as the optimistic one.
The girl who is high on life.
Laughing, smiling, joking, always being pleasant.
That was me.
Where has that person gone?

I am emotionally drained. My brain can't handle anymore stress, anxiety or helplessness.

I need to pull myself out of this slump and I don't know how. Life is too short to be this depressed. I haven't been clinically depressed for over 8 years. Why am I letting all this negativity and death take over my optimism and lust for life. Why now?

Can people just stop dying? Okay? I can't handle another death or to care for a friend in their time of need. I'm letting myself take on all of their problems and that just boils me over.

Optimistic... To be or not to be.
Man I wish it was just that easy.

"Thank You" family and friends

I just wanted to say a formal "thank you" to all of you who have been so supportive to Joe and I over the past few weeks. Dealing with the loss of a close friend, has been an new experience and we've never been more grateful for our friends and family. We are still grieving. My sadness is more for Joe than anything. He lost his best friend and knowing he is without that companionship is so hurtful. There are going to be a lot of things in our lives where Joe is going to wish John was here. Hopefully I can support and comfort Joe when those occurrences come up.

Joe is still taking things one day at a time. Joe and John had a few activities planned for upcoming months and Joe is now realizing plans have to change. Joe's brother Travis, was helping Joe find a bike that he had planned to ride with John over the summer. Not knowing of Joe's intentions for the bike, Travis brought it to Joe on Sunday and Joe just broke down in tears. Its so hard to see that; Joe never cries. I'm sure he was thinking of all the fun things he had planned during those "bike rides" and now he has no one to ride with. Travis offered to ride with him this coming weekend, but so far the weather report looks bad and Travis lives up in Farmington. A little inconvenient for a spontaneous ride. Now we have this bike on our balcony that only reminds Joe of John...we may have to get rid of it before Joe has the opportunity to take it out.

We have wonderful family and friends who have helped keep our minds busy and positive. We love you all and really appreciate all the condolences and the shoulders we cried on. Its been 3.5 weeks and I know its going to take - oh so much longer - to fully heal. Thank you for your patience.

Love to all