Today is the day!

Today is the day and the wedding is finally here. I can't believe my baby sister is tying to knot!! Here I sit, with all my hair supplies set up, turned on and organized for any complication that will arise. I can't help but wonder what is going through her mind at this very moment. She is at the nail salon getting her nails filled and toenails painted. I'm sure she is worried about the flowers, cake, guests showing up on time. Will my nephew actually make it down the aisle without screaming or holding up the rest of the line. Or maybe she is thinking about how beautiful she feels in that gorgeous white dress. The dress she will wear when she vows to love, honor and cherish. Is she thinking of her wedding ring. The ring she will wear for the rest of her life, showing her loyalty and committment to everyone she comes across. She might be thinking of Kelly. The man she has chosen to spend the future with...buying a house, having kids and then having grandkids. Is she thinking of the way he looks at her when he realizes he's completely head over heels for her.

I'm sure all of those things are running through her mind. I know they are running through my mind. I'm her older sister, I can't help but worry about her and hope that she makes the right choices in her life. And I believe she is. She is in love and has found her everlasting companion. I couldn't be more happy for her. My baby sister is about to walk down the aisle; to Kelly's favorite song. She's about to say "I do" and vow to love, honor and cherish. She is about to be kissed by her soulmate to complete the moment. She will love and be loved.

I'm overjoyed with happiness today. Today is about Andee and Kelly. Forget the sorrows in my life, the stress at work, the loss of friends. Today is a celebration of love between my sister and my future brother-in-law.

Today is a special day. A toast to Andee and Kelly. Good luck in all you do. Marriage can be tough, but if you are open-minded and willing to cooperate it will be such a wonderful adventure. I love you both and I can't wait to see you walk down the aisle as husband and wife.

Memorial Day

The day has come and gone and I'm saddened to know we need an official day to remember and celebrate the lives of love ones lost. Of course John has been on my mind all weekend. We've been contemplating driving up to the SLC cemetery to pay our respects, but we just can't get ourselves up there. Its hard. Everyone has a different view on visiting grave sites. Some people think its completely morbid, some feel its useless because that person is physically there but not spiritually and some feel drawn to it. I haven't decided which category fits us. It is a little strange visiting a granite stone on the ground when all it really is, is a granite stone on the ground. It is weird to think his body is literally 6 feet under and then its interesting to know that we have a place to go to mourn for our friend.

In John's suicide note, it actually read "To my friends, come visit me often." What does that mean? Does he want us to visit his grave site? Does it mean he wants us to go hiking and think of him while we are enjoying mother nature, as he did every day of his life. Or does it mean he wants us to celebrate his life and think of him when something reminds us of him? I don't know exactly what he meant...he could have meant all three. But what does it mean to us? I know Joe thinks about him everyday. I know Joe still has not deleted his phone number from his cell phone. I know Joe hasn't deleted his "gaming profile" he used every time he played our X-box. I know Joe is still having a hard time with the fact that he is gone.

Tears still seem to overwhelm me even now as I think about Joe's loss. And John's family. To think I haven't spoken to any of them since the funeral. I wonder how they are. How is mother is coping. I pray for her ever day.

Its so odd to think that people die every day. Every second of every day someone has died. There are family's out there who have lost. Loved ones, brothers, sisters, friends. Everyone has lost someone or knows of someone who has. The cemeteries are full of someones family, loved ones or friends. Some where someone is grieving just as much as we are. Why can I not seem to shake this depression. Death surrounds everyone. Why do I feel like its only us? Why can't I take someones condolences seriously? Who knows. All I know is that our grieving stage isn't over and we weren't ready to visit John at his resting place. I don't know if we'll ever make it there. But we do think of him...daily.

***We miss you John and we pray you are happy. Things aren't the same without you, but you are constantly on our mind. We love you dearly.***

Memorial day is over. But I will never stop remembering John and his short life. I will not forget the soldiers who lost their lives defending our country. Or all the many lives lost in China...the children, grandfathers, friends. We need to celebrate and remember them everyday. Not just the last Monday in May.

Today, I'm celebrating you.

25 down...so many more to go!

I am officially 26. My birthday was this past Sunday (4/20) and I celebrated all day with friends and family. First I had breakfast with Chandra and Caper while they were in town. (Thank you again Chandra. It was so great to see you and catch up!) I met up with some of our friends for an afternoon movie. Some of our friends bailed, which is okay, the movie selection wasn't the best. Thank you Elizabeth for sticking through the lame martial arts movie. Then my family took me out to dinner at one of my favorite steak houses and then back to the house for cherry pie!!! It was a cloudy, windy and a little rainy all day, but we did have a few peeks of the sun which was nice.

Since my actual birthday was jam packed with family/friend goodness, Joe took Monday off to spend alone with me. I was spoiled all day!!! Most of you know that Joe and I hardly ever get time together, so this was his birthday present for me. Uninterrupted time. Our phones were off...for most of the day!!!

Here are a few pictures from our day together. We took the dogs for a walk - the weather was GORGEOUS!!!





Then Joe and I got ice cream and went to the Aquarium in Sandy. We had never been there before; it was really neat. Its small, but I guess there is "hope" for making a bigger one downtown.






Then of course Joe and I had an RDM day! (Random Disney Movie day!) He actually won this time. I found The Apple Dumpling Gang - 1975 and he beat me with Darby O'Gill and the Little People - 1959. Dang it!! Plus he found a used copy of Dumbo, which is 1941. I didn't stand a chance!
The day was perfect! Plus we bought lots of sushi and watched the Jazz beat the Rockets in game 2. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday celebration. I feel Optimistic Erica making a comeback!!!
Thank you everyone for making my birthday special. All the texts, call, cards and gifts were very much appreciated. I have the best circle of family and friends. I love you all!!!

Optimistic...To be or not to be

I feel like there is a huge, dark cloud hovering over me. So many negatives things, unhappy things, death. I'm dealing with a lot of emotion and I have to say it is so hard to try and stay positive. I'm constantly tired and drained of all energy. Even work doesn't make me happy.

I know 9 people who have died in the last 45 days. 9 people!! Some are elderly people we expect, some by their own hand, and some people who fought like crazy but in the end they lost their battle. Not to mention I'm having a huge family issue right now that is taking most of my energy. Its constantly on my mind and I want to just fix it and make it all better. But I can't! There isn't anything I can do. I've tried. Until that person gets through this whole denial crap, there is nothing I can do. Just thinking about how helpless I am, drains more energy.

John was a major loss. Maybe I didn't allow myself time to grieve. I've been so worried about Joe and his feelings, maybe I didn't stop to think about my own. And now that there is so much more going on in my life, I can't stop to think about anything.

People know me as the optimistic one.
The girl who is high on life.
Laughing, smiling, joking, always being pleasant.
That was me.
Where has that person gone?

I am emotionally drained. My brain can't handle anymore stress, anxiety or helplessness.

I need to pull myself out of this slump and I don't know how. Life is too short to be this depressed. I haven't been clinically depressed for over 8 years. Why am I letting all this negativity and death take over my optimism and lust for life. Why now?

Can people just stop dying? Okay? I can't handle another death or to care for a friend in their time of need. I'm letting myself take on all of their problems and that just boils me over.

Optimistic... To be or not to be.
Man I wish it was just that easy.

"Thank You" family and friends

I just wanted to say a formal "thank you" to all of you who have been so supportive to Joe and I over the past few weeks. Dealing with the loss of a close friend, has been an new experience and we've never been more grateful for our friends and family. We are still grieving. My sadness is more for Joe than anything. He lost his best friend and knowing he is without that companionship is so hurtful. There are going to be a lot of things in our lives where Joe is going to wish John was here. Hopefully I can support and comfort Joe when those occurrences come up.

Joe is still taking things one day at a time. Joe and John had a few activities planned for upcoming months and Joe is now realizing plans have to change. Joe's brother Travis, was helping Joe find a bike that he had planned to ride with John over the summer. Not knowing of Joe's intentions for the bike, Travis brought it to Joe on Sunday and Joe just broke down in tears. Its so hard to see that; Joe never cries. I'm sure he was thinking of all the fun things he had planned during those "bike rides" and now he has no one to ride with. Travis offered to ride with him this coming weekend, but so far the weather report looks bad and Travis lives up in Farmington. A little inconvenient for a spontaneous ride. Now we have this bike on our balcony that only reminds Joe of John...we may have to get rid of it before Joe has the opportunity to take it out.

We have wonderful family and friends who have helped keep our minds busy and positive. We love you all and really appreciate all the condolences and the shoulders we cried on. Its been 3.5 weeks and I know its going to take - oh so much longer - to fully heal. Thank you for your patience.

Love to all

Rest In Peace - Johnathan Freeze

Joe and I lost a good friend over the weekend. We found out only 5 1/2 hours ago and I find myself so full of thoughts...I just need to get them out.

Why John? That's the main question that goes through my mind.
Wasn't there another alternative? The 2nd most popular in my head
Was it really "that" bad? Questions I'll never get answered. They may not be my business to begin with - but I"m hurting and I'm lost without answers.

He took his life sometime on Friday. His body was found, at his home, this afternoon. Found by his brother Kimball who had been anxiously worried about him after Jon didn't show up for their "get together" at noon today. Poor Kimball will never forget the site of his lifeless brother. I shudder to think what that was like.

For those of you who don't know John, I'll give you a little history. Joe and John have been friends since childhood. John is a year younger than Joe - just turned 24 in december. They have been through so much together. Joe could go on and on about all this trouble they used to get into or all the laughs they had as kids. John met his wife at a 18. (She was still a senior in high school.) They went through so much together and finally got married in 2004. With every relationships, they hit a few bumps in the road. Just after Christmas they decided to go separate ways.

John has played a big part in Joe's life. Talking, texting or gaming every day. So many memories and good times with each other. Joe is at a huge loss. I can't begin to explain the pain Joe is going through right now. I'm sure the only ones that can understand are John's family and all his other friends. I am thinking of John's mother and praying she gets through this. I can't imagine the emptiness she feels.

Its very surreal tonight as I think back on all the fun times we've had. Looking at pictures on my computer only increase my disbelief that this actually happened.

Could we have done something or said something to make him change his mind?
I'm sure there is nothing we could have done, but I can't help think about it.

Were we not there for him enough?
Did we not show enough love or support?
I'm sure there is nothing we could have done....

I have to keep telling myself that, as I grieve for a good friend. Now to move on, go to work tomorrow and even on a family vacation this coming Easter weekend. We have lost someone dear to us. There is no way to get him back.
No last words or hugs.
Nothing.

As you read this - be thankful. Be thankful you have friends and family around you that you can call or talk to on a moments notice. Don't take advantage of that. I know I will cherish the relationships I have and never take them for granted again.

Did he know how much we loved him?
Did he know how much he meant to Joe?
Did he know he was our family?

What will we do without him?

Rest in peace Johnathan Freeze. You will be in our prayers and our thoughts everyday. We miss you so much already. Rest in peace.

Good-bye Brett Farve!

I'm sure most of you have heard that Brett Farve has announced his retirement. As most of you know, I've been a Packers fan since their Superbowl loss in 1998! My whole family was cheering for the Broncos and I felt bad for Green Bay...so I started cheering for them and never stopped. 10 years of cheering!! (Even through their embarrassing seasons) But last season and the end of the season before have been awesome for the Pack. I've been excited to watch them play and stay updated with team changes. Even though I was extremely disappointed with the end of this past season, I am still a loyal fan.

This morning I was told by 7 different people; via email, texts and phone calls, but I still had to log on to Packers.com & ESPN.com to find out for sure. And sure enough, its true. Brett Farve will not be returning to Lambeau Field as a quaterback.

What a bummer. Of course I'm not extremely depressed, as some of you apparently thought I would be. But I am slightly disappointed. Farve isn't timeless...it was an inevitable decision. Its just sad to see the legacy end. He broke so many records and will definitely go down in history as one of the best quarterbacks...ever.

I am hopeful though. There was a game last December where they broughy in their back up quarterback (Aaron Rodgers) to play - I believe Farve was slightly injured at the time. But Rodgers showed some possibilites. I am excited to see him play more and to see where he can take the Pack next season. Good luck to him and the all the other Packers. Its going to be a fresh start to a new season and I'll be there watching every game.

I love Brett Farve and I've always been impressed by his committment and passion for the game. It was awesome to watch him lead the Pack. He will be missed.